


Kiss With a Fist

by jazzypizzaz



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Counseling, Humor, M/M, POV Outsider, Yelling, it's how they communicate!, more openly contentious than I usually write, their love isn't like other people's love and that's okay!!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-12
Updated: 2017-04-12
Packaged: 2018-10-18 03:35:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10608462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jazzypizzaz/pseuds/jazzypizzaz
Summary: Alternate title: Ezri regrets becoming a counselor.Quark and Odo attend couple’s counseling, despite insisting they’re not a couple.  Ezri is a medical professional, not a referee dammit.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Special thanks to [quarksbar on tumblr](http://quarksbar.tumblr.com/post/159534689236/quarksbar-snoozlebee-ezri-okay-lets-try) for the original idea!
> 
> Disclaimer: I am not a counselor and any knowledge I have of couple's counseling comes from romcom movies. Just go with it.
> 
> Song accompaniment: [ Kiss With a Fist](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1SmxVCM39j4) by Florence + Machine

The door to Ezri’s office flies open, and an oversized bird of prey soars through, morphing into the other half of her ten o’clock appointment mid-flight.  She jumps out of the way, so it can land; so far not the way she expected this session to go.  The faux-avian shifts into a disgruntled beige man, whose scowl lines fade into grumpy perplexion at the sight of the nonplussed Trill and smirking Ferengi standing side by side.

 

Before Ezri or Odo can say anything, Quark lets out a low whistle.  “So rumors of a Cardassian plan to hack into the medical database and sell off Starfleet psychiatric profiles merits the Talarian eagle on duty?  Impressive, I’ll have to remember that.”  

 

Odo’s smooth face sprouts several new wrinkles, purely to deepen his glower.  “ _Quuaaaark!_ ”

 

Ezri’s eyes grow wide in alarm.   _Definitely_ not how her counseling sessions are supposed to go. “What’s going on?  Is something wrong?  Do I need to initiate a lockdown on my files?  I should lockdown my files, oh gosh--”

 

Quark checks a shiny pocket chronometer that has been waiting in his hand this whole time.  “Only six minutes since Glinn Refal mentioned the plot at the back right table of my bar _like I paid him to_.  Not bad timing at all.”

 

“I was on the other side of the station,” Odo says with great exasperation, but he folds his arms across his chest in what passes for placidity (or as relaxed as Odo ever gets on duty anyway), a sharp comparison to his harried entrance.  Ezri quells her panic as she tries to figure out what’s happening.  Something that Odo seems to be doing as well.  “If there was no plot, then _why_ am I here, Quark?  What are you up to _now_?”

 

Both Odo and Ezri turn for answers to the bemused instigator grinning next to them.

 

“This,” Quark says, spreading his arms dramatically and basking in the attention.  “This is an intervention.”

 

“I have better things to do than chase you around the station--”

 

“Doubtful!  Name one thing you’d rather be doing than--”

 

“An intervention!”  Odo harrumphs.  “ _This_ is police perjury, and I--”

 

“Um,” Ezri raises a hand tentatively.  “This is counseling?  Or at least it’s supposed to be.  You are in _my_ office.”

 

Odo and Quark both blink at her with eerily similar expressions on their faces, as if they’d forgotten she was there.  

 

“Quark signed you both up for couple’s--”  Ezri starts, but hesitates at the look of alarm that flits across Odo’s face. “For-- well, for couple’s counseling?  I uh, I see he didn’t tell you.”

 

“ _We’re not a couple_ ,” Odo and Quark say in unison, before turning to each other with surprise indignation.

 

“Riiiight!”  Ezri interjects before they start arguing again.  “Regular counseling for -- special friends?  Or… whatever… whatever you want, but Quark you can’t _trick_ someone into counseling.  And there is no plot, right?  I have to be sure...”

 

“Your medical information is secured.”  Odo does a quick check on her computer to be sure, and nods towards her.  “Quark led me here under false pretenses.”

 

“He wouldn’t have came if I told him the _truth_.  He only responds to crime,” Quark says.  Odo scoffs and rolls his eyes, but doesn’t deny it.  “And here I asked for your services because I thought you were supposed to be smart.”  Quark stares at Ezri, his incredulity reminding of her first year Academy instructor.  Dr. Smeck was a Vulcan with a stereotypical intolerance for nonsense (and non-stereotypical temper), and tended to deem any of Ezri’s tangential anecdotes in class as such.  

 

“Plus being so sexy yourself, I was counting on your expertise extending into the bedroom as well,” Quark adds with a lascivious eyeridge waggle.  “Odo has a _personal_ problem.”

 

“Quark,” Ezri sighs, rubbing her temples.  Why did she agree to this in the first place?

 

“Well if there’s nothing security related going on here, then I have more important things to do.”  

 

Odo nods curtly to Ezri, apparently the closest she’s going to get to an apology in this bizarre commotion, but she slaps a hand on Odo’s elbow, stopping him from exiting the office.  His discomfort points to more going on than Quark causing his usual trouble.  

 

“Since you’re here,” Ezri says in her best Compassionate Counselor voice, “you may as well stay and see what Quark’s issue is.  Try talking it out.”

 

“ _I_ don’t have an issue, _he’s_ the one with an issue.”  Quark crosses his arms, his bottom lip sticking out past the point of the sternness he’s attempting to display and on towards pathetic.

 

“I don’t have an issue,” Odo says stiffly.  “There are no problems, beyond Quark being overdramatic as _usual_.  Now, I can take him to the brig so he stops wasting your time--”

 

“ _I’m_ the overdramatic one!  Pah!”  Quark expels a puff of air that punctuates this statement with overwrought sarcasm.  

 

Odo glances at Ezri with a pained expression as if to say, _See?  This is what I have to put up with_.

 

“You’re the one getting all worked up for believing an uncorroborated rumor about Cardassians, all to cover for your own _barbarity_ \--” Quark continues.  Odo scoffs and turns again towards the door.

 

“If you let whatever this is fester, it’ll just get worse later on.” Ezri leans in towards Odo with a fake confidential whisper.  “You realize this might be the only way to get him to shut up.”

 

Quark clamps his mouth shut in a frown.  “No promises,” he mutters.

 

Odo sighs.  “Fine.”

 

She gestures towards the two chairs in front of her desk, and they both sit down.

 

“Now,” she says, folding her hands on the desk and straightening her posture.  Time for business.  “Tell me what’s wrong.  Quark, why don’t you start since you called this meeting.  And be sure to fill me in on the context, even the little things you may not think are relevant, so we can get to the root of the problem.”

 

“Well… Odo had one hand down my pants -- stroking the slug, you know tickling the tree beetle -- and had another one of his _appendages_ four inches deep in my ear canal; the things that Changeling can _do_ to a stimulated tympanum --”

 

“Less context!”  Ezri feels a wave of nausea rise up in her stomach and tries to compose herself.  Puking isn't at all professional.  “Stop stop.  Nevermind the details, skip ahead to the problem.”

 

“Well I was about to give him the money shot -- the peak of my sexual stock market! -- when what does the ungrateful freak do but dissolve into a giant blob of goo!  And not the fun kind!  Have YOU ever tried to bone jello?  Because that’s what was happening.”

 

Odo shrinks behind his tightly folded arms, but covers up his mortification by punctuating Quark’s explanation with eye rolls and scoffing.

 

“And then he hid in his bucket for the rest of the night and wouldn’t come out no matter what--”

 

“That is a complete fabrication.  You wouldn’t stop crying; I was giving you _space_.  Space to leave my quarters.”

 

Ezri takes a deep breath to steady herself, and powers on.  “Um.  Okay.  Do you have an alternate perspective of what happened then, Odo?  With -- without any… unnecessary details?”

 

 _"Yeah_ Odo, what’s your excuse?”

 

“Like the sniveling scoundrel you are, you distorted an account of a perfectly pleasant evening with your lurid descriptions of a private matter.  You conveniently left out the most incriminating detail of all, Quark!”

 

“You -- you’re talking nonsense!  I gave all the necessary information,” Quark stammers out, fidgeting in his seat.

 

“Quark said something right before I -- before I reverted to my natural state,” Odo says, finally turning back to address Ezri.  “And he won’t admit it!  He denies saying anything!”

 

“I _didn’t_ say anything,” Quark says petulantly and now they’re both looking expectantly at Ezri, as if waiting for her to pick a side.

 

Ezri head whips back and forth between the two of them, and tries desperately to remember her academy training, while pushing out Curzon’s unhelpful instincts that the non-couple in front of her just needs to bang it out.  “Oh… okay… well what did you hear him say Odo?”

 

“He didn’t hear anything!  If anyone would have heard anything it would have been THESE LARGE LOBES!” Quark half-shouts, gesturing frantically at his ears.

 

“Not in the state you were in,” Odo mutters.

 

“I didn’t say anything!”  Quark says, as his lip wobbles with repressed emotion.

 

“Hmmph!”

 

“Back to what's important --” Quark says, but his voice cracks.  He clears his voice, and puffs himself up to try to draw attention away from his watery eyes and wobbling lip.  “Blue lobes are a serious condition, and it’s not nice!  In fact, it’s very rude!”

 

“You’re a lecherous liar and not even a talented one.”

 

“You’re an arrogant selfish prude.”

 

“Maybe try using ‘I statements’?”  Ezri interjects, but neither of them acknowledge hearing her.  “HEY!” she yells, waving her arms.  “Stop insulting each other, and let me guide this discussion, or we’re never going to get to the root problems here.  Now, do you want to settle this or not?”

 

Amazingly, she’s met with silence as they just stare at her.  Maybe they DON’T want to settle this?  She shakes the thought out of her head and carries on.  

 

“That’s better.  Um now maybe we’ll try some role-playing, reenact the other evening -- well, an uh edited version. Please _please_ don’t have sex in my office.   But this exercise might help you understand what actually happened -- _whatever_ happened.  Now, Quark presumably you asked me to help out for a reason, so will you _listen_ to me?”  

 

“Fine,” Quark says.  

 

Ezri looks to Odo, who rolls his eyes.

 

There’s a moment of uncomfortable tension, and Quark steals glances at Odo while Odo tries to avoid eye contact.  Finally Odo gives a curt nod, and Ezri lets out a sigh of relief.

 

“Okay, good!  Now, Odo why don’t you pretend you’re Quark.  Try to get into his headspace and think about _why_ he said whatever it is he said.  And um, Quark, you’ll be Odo, and I want you to think about how what you said might have made him _feel_.”

 

Quark stands up, straightening to his full height and popping his chin out with a haughty stern expression, obviously an approximation of the constable.  He opens his mouth, and turns towards Odo to find--

 

Another Quark smirking at him, though with enough slight difference in features to be disconcerting.  Quark (the real one) hangs his mouth open, flabbergasted, and tilts his head at the copy.  Odo-as-Quark mimics his gesture, bobbing his mouth open and shut like a grounded fish.

 

“You -- you!”  Quark sputters, managing to look both insulted and weirdly flattered.  “You’re -- your --   _How long have you been practicing that?_ ”

 

“It's not my fault I have to see your ugly mug every day.  I wish I could forget it!  Are you upset you haven’t patented your own face yet?” Odo snickers, his own gravelly voice coming out of his shifted-Quark body.

 

“As a matter of fact I was just filling out the paperwork for that, as a merchandising opportunity for the bar.  I’m going to file a lawsuit for all you’re worth, bucket and all!”   He reaches out towards his copy’s lobes, but abruptly retracts his hand.  His cheeks darken.  “And, most importantly, my lobes are bigger!”

 

“My lobes are bigger!”  Odo says in a high-pitched mockery of Quark’s voice.  “I’m going to sue you, because I’m a fraud who can’t run a profitable business to save my life!  Latinum latinum profits profits!”

 

“No more role-playing!” Ezri shouts over them.  “This station isn’t ready for multiple Quarks.”  She takes a deep breath and glances at the computer time display.   “New tactic, since we’re going to have to take baby steps.  Say one nice thing about each other, and then this session is over.”

 

“I will if Odo does first.  He never says anything nice to me,” Quark pouts.

 

Odo shifts back to his regular humanoid appearance.  “Well you never do anything nice.”

 

“One thing.  Please, I’m begging you.  For me.”  Ezri pleads.

 

She’s almost looking forward to her next appointment; counseling Garak through his mental labyrinth of unhealthy coping mechanisms and deep-rooted denial locked behind dark enclosed spaces _has_ to be preferable to this mess of a session.  

 

(Well, maybe not, but at least she’ll feel like a medical professional instead of a referee for quarrelsome children.  She’s a counselor, not a babysitter dammit.)

 

“You make a better bird than a humanoid.”

 

“An Orion slave girl _might_ not run screaming from your flirtatious advances.”

 

“After almost a decade, I can mostly tell your tiny lobes from your oversized nose!”

 

“You couldn’t pay me to go on a date with you!”

 

“You’ll never find true love again!”

 

Quark and Odo have stood up by this point, now yelling into each other’s faces.  They’ve taken to completely ignoring Ezri’s presence.  She knows she should find a way to deescalate the situation, but by this point they’ve made it clear they’d rather argue than resolve this, and her patience has run out.

 

“I hate you!”

 

“I hate you too!”

 

“You’re a terrible liar!”

 

“Well you’re even worse!  Because I meant what I said last night.  And that’s the truth.”

 

“The joke’s on you, because if you say it again, I’ll say it back.”

 

Odo looms over Quark, glaring at him down his nose, while Quark leans in towards Odo’s face, scowling.  Their noses are inches apart, and arguing is one thing, but there’s a weird tension in the room now, and Ezri frets that physical violence may break out.  What do you do when you need to call security on the chief security officer?  Ezri frantically recalls Jadzia’s Klingon training just in case --

 

“Well FINE! Okay then!”  Quark spits out in Odo’s face.

 

Then, in an abrupt clash, they lunge towards each other, and while Ezri thought things might get physical, this isn’t _quite_ what she expected.

 

Quark climbs Odo like a tree, legs wrapping around his waist.  Odo clutches him, sliding his hands under the layers of fabric.  

 

They’re kissing.

 

Ezri stares for a moment, dumbstruck.  She opens her mouth to object, but if they wouldn’t listen to her before, what are the chances they would _now_?  Their tongues thrust halfway down each other’s throats.  Odo squeezes Quark’s ass as he holds him up off the ground.  Quark lets out a breathy moan, more lewd than one of his tawdry holosuite programs.  Odo peels off Quark’s jacket, and now they’re halfway to fulfilling Curzon’s earlier suggestion to bang out their frustrations.

 

Ezri does the only sensible thing, and dashes outside of the room.

 

She’s five doors down the hall -- not thinking at all about where she’s going or why, her feet putting hurried distance between herself and whatever just happened -- when she screeches to a halt, hitting her palm to her forehead.  

 

“If you had to get a room, why did it have to be _my office_?!”  She gripes out loud to the empty hall and shifts course to Garak’s shop.  At least she can arrange to meet him in the holosuite instead, hopefully giving Quark and Odo time to (Ezri stops herself from considering what might be happening on top of her desk right now) “work out their relationship”.

 

She never did learn what Quark said to Odo that resulted in this mess, but there’s no way she’s going to chance asking again to find out.  Some people’s issues are out of a counselor’s scope.  And it seems they came to some kind of resolution themselves anyway.

  
All in a day’s work on Deep Space Nine for Ezri Dax.

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, Quark said "I love you".


End file.
